Goddamn, it feels good to be back.
I think that when I put the name for this site I took it quite literally and kept silent for a long time. I guess I hit the mark with it. It’s been a while, a l o n g a s s w h i l e. It feels weird, like riding a bicycle after years, like catching up with someone from your distant past, like hearing “I love you” from a person you’d thought would never utter those words. Writing used to come second nature to me, and now it’s I have to constantly take care of it, to not abandon it, to write something just to do it and not forget about it completely. I wonder what will come of this newfound... erhm, inspiration? If you could call it that? I dunno anymore, I guess I’ll just see where this takes me.
I thought this semester would be a breeze; now that I’m not studying, I’d take myself yo the beach more, I’d go out on random road trips, I’d meet new people or live a little more... How wrong was I?
I guess the things we dread the most and try to avoid at all costs are the ones we are destined to face. My greatest fear is to be ignorant, to not push myself or stop learning, to stay behind the times. The easiest way to accomplish this is to stay in a rut, and I am ashamed to say that this is the situation I am currently in. I’m stuck in a rut. I have been for a while now, and failed to realize it...
No, I d i d n ‘ t want to realize it. Like Mark Hoppus said more than twenty years ago: “Well I guess this is growing up.”
What will I do? I mean, what can I do? I really am doing stuff to push forward, to do something with my life, yet I feel so lost, so out of balance, so inadequate with my current state of affairs. Yes, I did graduate, I did get those good grades, I did work and made money; but I was never satisfied, I was never complacent. On the other hand, I left writing behind, I left writing song and playing music, I left my hearts desire behind, and now I’m struggling to get them back. It’s all a journey again. I’m struggling even now putting these words together, to try to express how I feel. My fingers hurt everytime I pick my guitar, my mind is a shadow of what it once was, now it frustrates me that I can’t easily put thoughts and words and rhymes together. It may have to do with the fact that I’ve always been an instinctive person, to excel at certain things and grow over-confident & arrogant because of it. I guess I’ll have to humble myself for myself whilst I continue to experience this ever-growing chaos inside. I’ll have to change; and God knows I don’t like change.
There are a million thoughts that race my mind every second. Aspects of my life I thought would resolve themselves with time, things I’ve never given much thought now seem so important and expectations people have of me have grown to have toll on me because I’ll let them down if I don’t meet them. 22 couldn’t get here any sooner, I need 21 to be over already.
The name for this site is a name I have for one of my many alter-egos, the many personalities and independent minds that take shelter in mine. I’ve taken that name to seriously as of late, but no more. I’ll try my hardest to chronicle my thoughts more. Maybe I’ll learn to retake my lost love and deal with my demons whilst you may grow to like the things I say. Life is all a big maybe.
Yours sincerely,
Maelo Vargas
I, The Silent One
